Joey's Jugg-tastic Jaunts in Nightlife

Hi boys . . . oh hi, I was just talking to my breasts . . .

Oh why must our footballers be so well-spoken and refined? Does anyone really buy David James' Renaissance man act when he eschews chocolate bars for a bit of salad? Wow, Dave, I bet you read the smart papers instead of the tabloids, like most of the EPL's intelligentsia. Forget about The Economist-reading, fine wine-appreciating, I've-got-my-finger-on-the-pulse-of-current-events footballers. What we really admire is those emotionally-stunted, never-opened-a-book lads, those ones that think a pair of ta-tas are an invitation to a quick release.

Which is why I love Joey Barton, in the complete opposite way I love anyone who plays this sport for a living. That is I love him because he's such a massive tool and I don't have to worry about any wavering respect on my part. Theirry Henry will always be loved as a classy player by me, but as his abilities diminish, so does his position at the forefront of my mind. With JB, all news is good news from him, because it usually involves him being a complete ass. Which I love.

Here's the lastest on JB, who is currently probably sitting on a cot in a Liverpool cell, wondering how it is that everyone is against him and what is it with his bad luck? Apparently, JB has a stellar way of getting a woman's attention/affection/or possibly to have sex with him and several teammates. It typically involves approaching a busty chick, sticking your face between her sweater fruit, along with pulling her hair a few times as well. Sounds good to me. I mean, who can say no to that?

Boozy Barton boob rub shame [The Sun]

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Barcode Busted

Cheek? I'll show you cheek . . .

Newcastle midfielder, pugilist and cigar aficionado Joey Barton is in yet another spot of trouble after he was allegedly:

'acting aggressively and bouncing from one group of people to
another, apparently looking for a fight' at around 5.30am.

Here are a few various offenses from JB's CV (at least the ones he's remotely criminally negligent of):

December 2004 - Uses a Man City youth team member's eye as an ashtray for his lit cigar.

May 2005 - Breaks pedestrian's leg in a late night collision while driving through the Liverpool city center.

July 2005 - Involved with a 15-year old Everton fan in an altercation during his team's preseason tour of Thailand, injuring City captain Richard Dunne as he attempted to step in and separate the two.

March 2007 - Arrested on suspicion of criminal assault and criminal damage after an alleged argument with a taxi driver in Liverpool while going to his hotel after a match.

May 2007 - Assaults teammate Ousmane Dabo during training, possibly ending the French midfielder's career with serious eye injuries.

You know those guys that you hate when you come up against them, but you'd love to have them on your team? I'd say JB isn't one of those guys.

Newcastle midfielder Barton arrested for assault [Daily Mail]

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Hossam Ghaly's Impact Still Felt in B'ham

A little late news, but then again, it's from The News of the World, so who knows what degree of truth is attached to this little piece, but you gotta love this:

They booked them for just one hour, bundled them into a black cab and took them
on a four-minute journey across town to Birmingham's four-star Radisson Hotel.
There they joined two friends in a £400-a-night suite. It had been booked in the
name of a Tottenham player who enraged Birmingham stars after bad-mouthing them
when he walked out on the club during recent transfer negotiations.

Could that be the genial Hossam Ghaly that thwarted his own move to Birmingham from Spurs by being himself?

[News of the World, SMiA]

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Call Off The Dogs

The manhunt is over, the Haitian deserters have been found. But don't be so hard on them, you ever been to JFK? It can be very disorienting, what with signs everywhere, labeling every single thing in the airport.

Haitian Teammates Turn Up After a Detour [New York Times]

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The Grab: 03.14

We're about to see Sir Paul get screwed out of about $56M by the former porn model Heather Mills, but Roman Abramovich is probably bending over right now, as the Chelsea owner and billionaire of dubious origin may have to pay anywhere between $2 billion and $11 billion in his own divorce settlement. Romy's worth is pegged somewhere around $22 billion, and the settlement should not affect his ownership of the London football club, or his other business dealings. Daria Zhukova, the daughter of an oil magnate who was jailed previously for arms smuggling (I know, shocking in Russia), has been linked to the 11th richest man in the world since October of last year. And this doesn't play with Irina, his wife of 15 years, apparently. Not that I'm insinuating anything in regard to the nature of Abramovich's dealings, but wouldn't it have been cheaper just to have the wife taken out? [SABCnews, MosNews]

Echoing a sentiment from this Gooner, Arsene Wenger feels Thierry Henry's fitness problems stems from his misuse in the French national team. I have to say seeing TH14 play a full 90 in a friendly immediately after the World Cup Final would piss me off too if I was Wenger. I'm sure he wasn't the best of friends with Raymond Domenech, but it's gonna be downright chilly in the room the next time they meet. Paul Doyle from the excellent Guardian SportBlog tells us why it's just an off year for the Arsenal captain. [Guardian SportBlog]

Valencia defender and hit-and-run artist David Navarro has been handed a 7-month ban after breaking Nicolas Burdisso's nose during last week's melee with Inter Milan after the Spanish side knocked the Italian Serie A leaders out of the Champions League. Navarro's ban was the result of his running onto the pitch (he was a substitute), punching Burdisso's face as he was held back by players from both teams, and promptly running away. Hilarity ensued as several Milan players attempted to bring down Navarro from behind with tackles and even a clumsy Cantona-style kung-fu kick. If you haven't seen the incident, check it out here. [Reuters, YouTube]

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There's Nothing To See Here, Just Move Along

As we were watching France's last hope crash out of the Champions League today, a disturbing story came across the SMiA newsroom. It seems that the French government, in their infinite wisdom, has banned the reporting and filming of acts of violence by non-professional journalists. That's right, you might face jail time if you witness a violent act in France and chose to film or broadcast it. And it gets better:

Anyone publishing such images could face up to five years in prison and a fine of €75,000 (US$98,537), potentially a harsher sentence than that for committing the violent act. The government has also proposed a certification system for Web sites, blog hosters, mobile-phone operators and Internet service providers, identifying them as government-approved sources of information if they adhere to certain rules.

Setting aside the inherent problems concerning the French government's need to give news sites their stamp of approval, there is a soccer component to this that should leave all fans of the game a little disturbed. Instead of being played two weeks ago, what if the Lille v. Manchester United in Lens were to take place next week, and a supporter (of either team), witnesses the crowd "troubles" and films it with their camera phone. Conceivably, that person could now be charged for committing a crime.

Does that sound right to you?

France bans citizen journalists from reporting violence [Macworld]

(via The Daily Dish)

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A little foreplay, please?

Unlike Barcelona's attempt to go through to the next round, you knew there had to be something exciting about Inter Milan getting dumped out of the Champions League by Valencia. If not for goals, then definitely for after-match excitement.

Valencia sub David Navarro was chased down the tunnel after the match when he aggravated a tussle between the two teams after the conclusion of the game. What did he do? The one who seemed to get off the worst was Inter's Nicolas Burdisso, who kindly created this gem (lost in translation) for us:

"Taking me from behind is something that is not worthy behaviour of a man," Burdisso raged after the match. "I was discussing something with a different Valencia player when he hit me. I'm confident that UEFA will act."

It seems the los Ches sub did Burdisso from both ends, all of which you can watch here. For the record, Navarro has apologized, despite doing a better job taking Burdisso from the front.

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Time To Pay Up

Ex-Middlesbrough forward Hamilton Ricard has been sentenced to three years in prison and ordered to pay a fine of $134,000 for causing the death of a pedestrian in 2002. The Colomibian, with 21 caps to his name, was speeding in Valle del Cuaca when he hit four people with his car. The second man sustained serious injuries in the accident.*

Ricard has had a checkered career, playing for (at least) eight clubs, and having numerous off-the-field problems. The same year as his car accident, he was banned for twelve months for attacking a referee and making obscene gestures to the crowd while playing for Ecuadorian side Emelec. He currently plays for Danubio in Uruguay.

Ricard sentanced to three years in prison (in Spanish) [TyC Sports]

*Correction: I originally posted that Ricard had hit two people, he actually hit four. Apoligies for the mistake.

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